Being in it, Moving Through it: Grieving The Loss of your Pet/Companion Animal
If you’ve endured the loss of your beloved pet or companion animal (both referred to here as a companion), you may have experienced a physical and emotional void that left you in a state of surreal emptiness and vulnerability.
The pain is palpable and equally so when the loss is ambiguous, such as when your companion is missing. Yet, especially in the immediate days, it can also feel nearly impossible to acknowledge.
For some, this loss can carry more intensity than the loss of a human connection. It’s not uncommon to sense your companion’s presence after the passing, hear the jingle of a collar or notice a sensation of your companion brushing against you.
Anyone who has loved and lost a companion knows that first and foremost, this creature bestowed deep and meaningful gifts, including:
Unconditional acceptance and love
Companionship
Connection
Authenticity
Attunement
And so little was asked in return, which makes these gifts all the more precious.
The Look of Love
A 2015 Science Magazine study discovered that when humans and dogs gaze at each other, a burst of oxytocin (a feel-good love hormone), is activated in both. This is the same hormone response that bonds us with infants. You’ve probably sensed this connection with your companion, even if you couldn’t put words to it. Research agrees that the human-animal bond runs deep. It’s understandable that the grieving we must do feels intense and overwhelming.
Coexisting with Loss
Moving towards the notion of coexisting with your grief may not sit well, especially if you’re deep in its throws. It’s normal to want the pain to go away, to have your companion back in your life. But the grief and loss are there, regardless of our readiness.
And that’s ok.
We loved and provided security and life to a creature who needed and appreciated all parts of us. Consider leaning into this grief, while also remembering to embrace the love around you. This doesn’t mean forgetting, but, instead, making room for and holding both emotions.
Grief counselor Alan Wolfelt, who I draw on for my companioning grief work, says that ultimately, mourning makes it possible to take you beyond your initial reactions to the loss and gets you to the place where you can live with the loss. Grief is a normal, needed and necessary piece of healing.
He states that mourning is a means to express your grief outside of yourself: crying, talking to others about the loss, sharing stories, creating a photo album and journaling, to name just a few.
The way you choose to mourn your companion will be fully up to you, allow it in when you’re ready. Mourning is essential because it’s through mourning that you can begin to heal.
Rituals and Legacies
Many pet owners have asked me if engaging in rituals marks the end of the mourning process and whether it is symbolic of a last goodbye. I tell my clients that the right time to engage in a ritual or legacy is when it feels right for you. Our timelines for moving through grief will be different, because each human-animal bond is unique. It’s important not to minimize your loss or seek to fill a void before you feel ready, or allow others to do so. While done with good intentions by others, minimizing and replacing is ultimately not healthy or helpful. Your grief is individual to you.
Ways of Remembering
You may decide to hold a funeral or memorial service, inviting loved ones to eulogize your beloved family member. Or you might engage in expressive arts activities such as scrapbooking, creating photo albums, painting a portrait or abstract symbol that represents your companion, sharing memories, laughing, crying, knitting a sweater to donate to a shelter, or participating in a fundraiser. You may also choose to journal, write your companion a letter or enjoy your companion’s favorite human treat. These are just a few of the ways to be in and process your grief. How you choose to remember will be unique to you.
A Lesson for Humans
Our companion’s greatest gifts were the ability to be in the moment and to appreciate the little, simple things. Viewing life through this lens is a wonderful way to pay tribute and continue your companion’s beautiful legacy, even if only once in a while.
Your Other Companions
Do your best to stay in your normal routine, especially if you have other companions. This loss will certainly be felt by all and your other companions will also sense your grief. Extra attention, cuddles and movement for you and your companions can provide comfort and relief.
Additional Support
I encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional who offers companion animal/pet loss support. Having a compassionate other during this time can provide you the much deserved and needed space to grieve and be in the moment.
Your happiness meant the world to your companion. Allow yourself to remember, feel, love. Let your heart lead the way.
Until next month… Ginny
Ginny Paige, LCSW
Ginny Paige is a therapist in New York and Vermont. She specializes in supporting adults and children who are struggling to manage life’s changes.