Healing from a Breakup (when social media reminders abound)
Social media can complicate both the smoothest and roughest of breakups, regardless of our age or the length of the union.
Getting distance from a relationship post breakup was certainly easier pre social media. You might think though, nearly two decades since social media became mainstream, that solutions to managing information we no longer wish to see would be easier.
Having easy access into a former partner’s life, simply by looking at your device brings its own challenges. This data is a double-edged sword - we may not want to see the person unhappy, yet we may also feel unready to see the person moving on, especially if we’re struggling to heal. And what about when the relationship isn’t officially over, but rather, on a break?
While each person’s path forward will look different, consider the following workarounds to common breakup dilemmas as you find your new comfort zone within (or without) social media.
Dilemma #1: You’re tempted to check your ex’s Instagram in an attempt to relieve the “breakup lump” sensation you’re feeling in your body.
While continuing to keep tabs on your ex’s social media is a completely normal impulse, continuing to do so may slow your recovery. Relationships provide us with a release of dopamine, the love hormone, so breakups can lead to a very real feeling of withdrawal, not unlike withdrawal from other addictive substances like caffeine, cigarettes, or drugs. By following through with the temptation to check your ex’s Instagram, you may experience a short moment of relief that’s quickly followed by the compulsion to keep seeking them out. Ultimately, if you’re trying to get over a breakup, this can have the opposite result.
Consider this workaround instead: Redirect this urge away from your ex partner and focus on you.
You know yourself best, so it's a good idea to honestly evaluate whether you need to remove the temptation entirely (either by muting your ex or taking a break from social media). It can be helpful to think about this in the same way that you would other habits you’re trying to break. If you’re trying to stop eating sugar, it makes sense not to keep sugar in your house while your brain and body adjust. Recovering from a breakup is no different, and social media is designed to give us small hits of dopamine to keep us coming back for more.
If you choose to stay on your device, visit a page that makes you smile: maybe for you it’s kittens, rescue pups or cool architecture. In this way, you’re providing an alternative source of dopamine. Slowing your breathing for a minimum of five minutes is also helpful. For each inhale, double the exhale (breathe in for three counts, breathe out for six counts). Or get moving: take a walk, exercise or stand and stretch. Movement helps integrate our body to our mind and resets our nervous system as we ride out the urge.
Dilemma #2: You’re Googling your ex’s new love interest. Chances are you’re also comparing yourself.
Consider this workaround instead: Redirect this urge away from the person and focus on you.
Whenever we’re feeling “less than”, whether it comes across as feeling not good enough, not smart enough, not accomplished enough, etc., it’s usually an indication to check in with yourself.
Evaluating what you want your life to look like and taking actionable steps to move towards your goals is empowering.
Appreciating your own worth (you are SO worthy) and engaging in a purpose, no matter the size, has the welcome side effect of decreasing comparison to others.
Dilemma #3: Asking or demanding that friends and family unfriend and don’t interact with your ex.
Consider this workaround instead: Redirect this urge away from family and friends and focus on you.
This may be the most challenging of the dilemmas presented. While it’s always OK to let others know what you need, ultimately, we can’t control what others do, at least not for long.
What is in your control, though, is how you respond, especially to the outcome. It’s not unreasonable to want to move forward without wondering if those in your inner circle are interacting with your ex. But if your circle chooses to, you may struggle with some big feelings.
I get that this may not feel good but I’m certain that you’re stronger in those moments than you may think. You’re likely reading this blog post because you’re looking for a solution and this is movement in itself, a very good thing. It’s also OK to take a break from social media for as long as it feels good for you.
Anecdotally, I’m speaking with an increasing number of people who quit social media and I’m seeing an increase in articles about the same. Many are reporting corresponding increases in happiness.
Embrace your vulnerability
This doesn’t mean you have to feel vulnerable day and night, but rather, acknowledge and coexist with your loss as you heal. Allow tough feelings in with the knowing that these feelings come and go. Continue embracing healthy coping methods that feel right to you, such as spending time with friends and family, engaging in movement and even taking conscious breaks from your grieving (What this looks like: symbolically place your emotions into a box that you seal and put on a shelf until you’re ready to revisit. This is a great way to temporarily separate yourself from the experience). By stepping into, rather than trying to avoid your vulnerability, you are creating space to heal.
Author, lecturer, researcher and Ted Talk icon Brené Brown says that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. Grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt says to choose hope, which is an expectation of a good that is yet to be. Just as we spend time with our grief, we must also spend time with our hope.
Therapy can help you navigate the healing process after a breakup
My hope is that you’ll open yourself to these suggestions. If you’re needing additional support, don’t hesitate to seek out a compassionate and attuned mental health professional. The presence of an objective other as you process and heal from your loss can be both validating and transformational.
Until next month… Ginny
Ginny Paige, LCSW
Ginny Paige is a therapist in New York and Vermont. She specializes in supporting adults and children who are struggling to manage life’s changes.